i just remembered that i associate the lofi girl music with cinnamon smell because i chewed cinnamon gum every day one summer while
listening to lofi and studying math. i don't remember what summer this was though. if i ever get more of that cinnamon gum i am
going to be so productive lol.
IMPORTANT UPDATES!
i found the cutest minecraft server ever. it is called cozy mc and it's completely vanilla survival so there are very few commands.
you can't teleport at all. so there are a ton of builds in every direction from the spawnpoint and you have to walk until you can
find somewhere free to build your own base. and you can't claim land either, which is good because land claiming is the most
annoying thing EVER. like what if you wanted to build a super long bridge or road but it runs into someone's claim so oops you
can't build it any more. although, it is also the worst to get griefed. i would not date someone who griefs people in minecraft.
but claims are still super annoying!!
i also found the server i used to play on in 2016 when i was literally 9. it is called shadowcraft survival and it has been running
since 2011 and it's STILL RUNNING. it had a lot of down time between now and then though, which is the reason i stopped playing in
the first place. i was so sad because i had so many friends on there. no one really plays anymore from what i can tell, but at
least it has a discord server.
i keep trying to support all the internet places i used to love when i was a kid, like the minecraft servers i mentioned, plus some
of the io games, in the hopes that they will become active again lol. and i log into my old scratch account snappledapple sometimes
to see if anyone i knew is still on. but the reason i liked any of these things in the first place was because i made friends in
those places back then. but they probably aren't there anymore. it's kind of sad to finally find the server you loved but it's
abandoned. maybe i shall make some more friends other places though. i should probably also make friends in real life lol. i guess
i should join an art club or something? my university sucks at advertising its clubs which is the main reason i have not found a
good one yet. anyway! i am going to continue not being productive today. but i shall be productive tomorrow. goodbye
lately my mental health has been stupid. i have been feeling anxious for no reason. like something is off and i'm neglecting to
prepare for something. i'll be relaxing and being productive and spending time with my family but there's something in the back of
my mind saying "DON'T RELAX!!". i feel this way almost every summer. i remember in 2023 i felt extremely guilty for relaxing, like
i was actually an evil person for enjoying my summer vacation. i think it is because school is coming in september. i have no idea
if i will even do well, and what if i actually do well, then what will i do? it's like the calm before the storm or something.
anyway, i keep staying up late until i am too exhausted to stay up any longer. it gives me a sense of control because it is a
reliable unhealthy habit. but then i feel tired the next day, shockingly.
anway yesterday i also had like a complete breakdown while driving with my dad because i accidentally did something risky, and he
got upset. i parked in the dairy queen parking lot (that was our destination) and then i just freaked out a lot. i hate driving in
general, and the combination of almost getting in a crash and not being able to handle criticism messed with my ability to be calm
and normal. i feel so bad about it. i used to have dramatic mood swings all the time, but they stopped when i started taking my
adhd medication. i'm off of it until the doctors figure out the cause of my tachycardia, so i will probably take it again in a week
or two. but i hate that i need to rely on medication just to be a nice and good person who can function well in society. it feels
kind of like i failed and have made no progress, and like i will never be able to handle anything like having a job or a
relationship or kids, which are all things that i would like to have.
so yeah anyway the last few days i have just been not interacting with anyone or really doing anything. but today i got a nice 5
hours of sleep and i feel great actually, so i am listening to a hawaiian sunset cafe ambience video. i feel so hawaiian now. i
kind of want to play some overwatch or maybe more io games or something. ooo i noticed playing games makes me feel more connected
to people even if i'm usually trying to murder the other players lol. ANYWAY that is my journal for now.
(will reformat text soon)
I AM WRITING another entry in order to prove i am using my journal as a journal
i have now put a journal in case i want to journal! (the answer is yes)